A Creative Day!!!

So today I've been feeling quite creative.. I had a panic attack on sunday at the thought of going back to university on monday but now the week seems to be flying over and its still just as scary. I've edited a few images for my project but today, again I treated myself to some new little things - mainly modelling tools, some fabric paper and some airdrying clay - so have spent my eveing making things rather than doing uni work. What can I say, yer i may not be doing the work I should be, but i'm doing SOMETHING which is the main thing, and being creative is something I really miss and has kept me quite happy this evening (that may also be becauseI had a cupcake and a can of monster too :) though)

Here's some little images of what I bought and what I've been getting upto this eveing. As you can see, the fabric paper below is one of the things.  It feels really nice but I don't know what to make myself :/  i'll have to have a think about it as I dont want to waste it on something I won't be happy with. 

Fabric paper I bought today to make myself something pretty.

Airdry clay Abes Oddesee head, pacman and cherries

Same as above

This blog may seem a bit random, and im not going to lie, it is. Like my 'Happier days' blog this is just about things that make me happy. This evening (after the model making AND stabbing myself in the hand with the scalpel) I've mainly been listening to some music, Scott Joplin, alot of rock and roll from the 50's and 60's as well as coming across an awesome youtube clip of Eddie Vedder singing one of my favourite songs - SOCIETY (from Into the Wild) with Johnny Depp playing guitar alongside him.     http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcgtTrMBMEU&feature=related   I've also been every now and then turning my head round to the TV watching parts of Alien Vs Predator and Ace Ventura -When nature calls (with my fiance calling me sad at the fact that I was resiting the film to him - Loser I know lol).

As I've been deciding what I could make with my fabric paper I came across the cutest thing I forgot I had - a little baby grow from when my nephew Harrison was first born (he's now 1 and a couple of months old and the cutest thing ever - I love him to bits). I remeber my sister giving this to me, because I though it was the best thing ever seeing as though Harrison was too much of a pudding to fit into it. It's pale blue with white swallow prints all over it.....here's a little picture. 

  

Now I need to think of something I can make with this awesome material

Well anyhooo... I can tell that my concentration is really starting to go from writing this blog (and seeing as though my concentration levels are about 5 minutes long to start with its getting tougher writing stuff) Im going to go out for my last tab for the night and then probably watch tv in bed... then up early so I can paint my clay creations and fill up this space with more boring stuff for your reading and viewing pleasure... hopefully tomorrow i'll make Abe look more like Abe and you can get to see the finished results.

Nighty night x

I ♥ KEVIN SMITH and JASON MEWES

KEVIN SMITH

JASON MEWES

                                               

 

  

Happier Days

Evening all :)

Well a heads up, Last nights sleeping tablet didn't make me hallucinate or feel sick, or leave me with a dry mouth. I slept like a log, and woke up feeling as fresh as a daisy.

 Although I haven't been very productive uni work wise, I'm just glad that I wasn't in a low mood. I've listened to alot of my favourite music, watched some tv, me and my fiance went and sat on the pier on his dinner break and looked out over the harbour on a lovely day... and I treat myself to some little cheap bits and bobs, some new nail varnish, some lipstick, some new flowers to freshen up by viewing pleasure of the flat blah blah.

 Even though I'm not the most girliest of girls, the older Ive got I've started to appreciate and take the time time to feel good, for me, not for anyone else. This blog really isnt anything too interesting, just things I like and the few things I bought today, amongs some other things i've treated myself to in the past few weeks...   

First of all, a little picture of me, on a good day .... still loooking a little awkward though, If i recall, I was listening to BLONDIE!

So.....   as I said, this post is just pics of the little treats I've bought myself and some of the stuff I own that make me happy..

In the past you wouldnt have thought it by looking at me, but certain shades of pink are now actually one of my favourite colours.. As you can see this image proves it..my new pink lipstick and new pink nail varnish lay across my pink fleeced blanket with a bracelet I made myself with pink and green beads with the boyfriends name on it. This is one of my most prized possesions. It's nothing big, but I made it myself and its really sentimental to me because of the colours and Ryans name .. 'RY' My colour range is usually black, so it's always nice to throw in a little something girly - this makes me feel girly, yet giving off that 'I can look after my self 'rocky'' look. A little feminism is always good.

The charm that I  had on my bracelet (above), I love daisies and was sad when it fell of my bracelet which i'd 'securely' attached between the 'R' and 'Y' but I now keep it in a special place. Saying that, if I lose it I could always replace this 10p  charm :) I've always loved daisies, they never fail to put a smile on my face.. I think of the old times in school when i would just lie in the grass at break times picking off the petals or making reeeaaalllly long diasy chains. My next tattoo - well I think it may have to be a daisy.

There's two things I like about this image. The first thing .. I love comics and anything comic related. Im a bit a geek with my comics, animations and online games, so when I saw this little Wonder Woman campact mirror in a store, I had to buy it. It was getting to the point where I was beginning to get sick of breaking up my empty powder pots in order to have a compact mirror so jumped at the chance of buying this £2.00 beauty. Depserate to spend my last bit of money I had on me, there was no way I could afford an actual comic but this caught my eye, so had to get it (it was either this or a batman hankerchief I would have just put on my bookshelf). Now i'm going just going to have to be careful and not lose it.  

The second thing within the picture - the book in which my new mirror is lay on. I recently bought this notebooks as I have a stationary fetish, and everything about it screamed 'you must buy me mikela'. It's a gorgeous colour, the paper is nice and thick, decent enough for my 'special pens' and the design on it is lovely. I'm usually a bit reluctant to writing in new notebooks and journals for fear that what i'm writing is rubbish or making a mistake in which case i usually rip the pages out and then in turn nakes the book look worse by lacking lots of pages, however this time this book I've actually wrote in. I've got a list of things which make me happy, so that I can see it clearly when I'm feeling down and at least do some of them. I have a list of what makes my fiance happy - so that I can use that too, I have lyrics from favourite songs that have specific meaning to me and my life, and doodles that I draw when i'm in the mood. It's actually proving to be a really useful thing in my life right now.

Of course there's many other things that make me happy and little things that have value to me.. and eventually, as I keep blogging you'll get to see some of the things in my life that are important to me...  even if you're not interested. 

Big loves to all until my next post. x

My life with Depression

For the last few years (throughout university, college and some of school) I've always been a loner. Yes, I have friends but not many, and the ones I do have it took me years to become comfortable around them. Because I have lack of faith in people and no self confidence I've chosen to spend time on my own doing my own thing rather than to be a 'social butterfly' like most others around seem to be. A couple of times a year I go through bad stages, and I can be 'down' all of the time. It seems like all I want to do is sit and cry, and be in the dark, see no-one, not eat and not have any interests of 'normal' life that I usually enjoy. Since Mid-year 2011  to present Ive noticed that I haven't seemed myself. I prefer to not talk about my feelings (especially to my parents who I dont want to stress out being 500 miles apart knowing that cant really do alot to physically help me). I feel myself getting angry and it doesnt take alot for me to get irratated with others, especially when certain people know how to push my buttons. I'm never what seems to be in a normal mood - i'm either really low or really hyperactive. On few occasions people have asked me if I have bi-polor ... the answer is I dont know. I have the symptoms of it...  but I have symptoms for alot of things. When i'm feeling down, sad, angry -  when im stressed I tend to make myself very ill, and wear my body down. I'm 22 and yet at times it seems like i'm 102. Yes everyone  has their bad days....but I mean not everyone will understand the really bad days. So finally, breaking down into tears almost every day for no apparant reason, being stressed with a whole lotta things going on in my life right now, to an extent being homesick and not wanting to do anything that i actually enjoy I thought id pay a visit to the doctors finally - I walked in, looked at him and nearly busrt into tears....   Finally someone who understood. I dont know why i waited so long (probably because most other doctor i've had the pleasure of meeting has been a complete TWAT), finally someone who HASN'T said - 'You're 22 - what do you have to be depressed about'.  Thats right after talking to him for a good 45 mins or so...  and talking about how i was feeling and such, doing surveys, and looking at his book of knowledge..   From mid-year 2011 until now (and still ongoing) I have now just been diagnosed with severe depression. Severe Depression is usually a score between 20 and 27 on the docrtors survey thingmajinggy and I got a grand total of 27. Along with bulimia which I suffer with (proabably through depression) I now feel that I should start being more open and honest about how im feeling..Everyday of my life lately seems to be one big struggle and at times even I wonder why? I'm now hapily engaged to my wonderful fiance, what else could I want - tbh one of these reasons I believe is through university.. I cant stand it but without wanting to let people down or dissapoint them I do what I need to do...  some of the time. Alot of people will say or think that depression is a sign of weakness... I say depression is about a person that has tried to be strong for too long. Next time you look at someone who seems down dont say 'Cheers up, it might never happen' maybe have a thought for that person and what they might be going through.

Who Gets Depression?

2 in 3 adults will get it at some point in their lives.   A person can actually have 1 or more 'episodes' within their life of depression. For severe cases of depression that rquires treatment it's usually 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men to get depression.  While most cases of a persons 'bad day' end up with said person recovering quite quickly - true depression shows its symptoms that usually last for 2 weeks or longer, and some symptoms can become so severe that it affects with a persons day to day life. 

Symptoms*

Core symptoms

Persisstent sadness or low mood.

Loss of interest in pleasure in activities usually enjoyed. 

Common symptoms

Disturbed Sleep (difficulty in getting in/off to sleep, waking early and not being able to get back to sleep, or even oversleeping. 

Change in appetite (both a poor appetite and weight loss or overeating and gaining weight)

Fatigue (tiredness) or loss of energy

Agitation or slowing of movements

Poor concentration and indecisevness (making even the simpler tasks seem daunting)

Feelings of worthlessness or excesive/innapropriate guilt

Recurrent thoughts of death

People will sever depression can sometimes develop delusions/hallucinations (known as psychotic symptoms)

What causes depression?

The exact cause is unknown, however anyone can develop dpression. Some people are more prone to it than others and it can come on for no apparant reason. There could be genetic factors involved. Chemical imbalances in the brain might be a factor but ths is not fully understood.Woman tend to develop depression more than in men. A typicall depressive stage can last between 6-8 months, long i know... beleive me.

Treatment options*

Anti - depressant medications

Psychological (talking) treatments ie Councilling

For moderate or sever depression - Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), Interpersonal therapy (IPT),  Behavioural activation and there is for other kinds;

Couples therapy, Electronvulsive  and plenty of Exercise. 

Hopefully this will make all (who happen to skim across my pages) understand a little bit more about depression, we're not all going mad, but if theres one thing to tell us...   please dont let it be 'Cheer up, or 'theres nothing to worry about - lifes not all bad'. Maybe not for you, but living with depression is really hard.  Not only does it affect the person suffering, but everyone around them too. Family, friends, work mates and collegues, so please just bear it in mind and think of the ones suffering from it..   P.s    dear mam, dad and family members who I can out through hell by worrying about me...  ifyou ever read my blog, you might understand now why I am/ or why I act the way I can..  It's an illness and hopefully you can be supportive.       

I'm writing this with droopy eyes right now, so I think Im going to go to bed....before they resort to anti-depressants we've looked at other stuff that can help but for now Ive been prescibed some really strong sleeping tablets (Zopiclone) which last night give me the worst dry mouth with horrible taste and some pretty weird/scary hallucinations... Hopefully will have a better nights sleep tonight and not see a monkey or an elephant along with all of my househould objects dancing this time.. but I shall seehow it goes..  

Sorry to bore you all :)   NIGHTY NIGHT xx

Musical No-Talent

So.... since the age of 12 i've played guitar (well 13 really as the first year i was terrified of sounding shit). For pretty much all of my life, music has played a huge part of it and made me who i am today (a little cliche i know) ... and without it, I dont know how i'd have survived. I've been in a few bands and dabbled with different instruments - such as the melodica, the ukulele, bass, trumpet and drums (which i have since learnt that I cant make my hands and feet do two different things - im clearly a bit slow) and I've played in a brazillian drum group called 'Afinado'. Although I still listen to music on a great scale and quite often I'm a bit sad that I dont actually get to play as much of my instruments as i'd like to anymore, but this will change when I dont have such big university committments. This is also not heplped by the fact that I moved 500 miles away from all of my friends who i used to play with and practice at home. I lack self confidence and finally plucked up the courage to start playing with friends and not being bothered if i messed up... to me its just all good fun. Here's a little secret about me - i LOVE to sing, and although as yet, i wont sing in front of anyone, when im alone, this is most likely what i'll be doing. Prancing about in my flat singing - or singing in the shower where i find the bathroom has better acoustics.  To give you a little taste of my music genre interests - I grew up listening to alot of Old Punk, Ska and power ballads from both my mam and dad and to this day SKA will always pick me up when im feeling down. The older i've got my music taste has expanded and I will give everything and anything a listen. Some of my favourite pieces of music is Scott Joplins - Maple Leaf Rag and John Murphy's - Surface of the Sun. I have this going through my head actually when im out diving and DragonForce - Through the Fire and Flames.... if you havent heard them, give them a listen.   The images im going to add below are just a few of the guitars I've had over the years, a few I had to sell for university funding, but a few of them I do still have. It's my mission now to pick up my guitar, bass and ukulele for at least an hour everyday to get back into my passion for music and expand my skills. :)

My first guitar I got and still have -  Fender Strat - currently sitting up north with no strings or pickups after we took it apart. 

My 2nd guitar - A gold, Vintage Les Paul - I loved this guitar but decided to sell it for money for another passion - A tattoo Gun (which I later sold too)

General Blue acoustic - the first full acoustic guitar i own - still sat in my room up north for playing up there. 

A jumbo Taglewood elec/acous - this geet had a gorgeous tinny sound through the strings i used..again, another one sold :(

This is my baby - a christmas present a good few years ago now that moved to cornwall with me - my Ibanez SX60 :)  I shall never get rid of this guitar.... EVER

One of my sexiest guitars along with my other Ibanez, but unfortunatley to pay rent,im having to give her up :(  luckily only to a friend

Not only have I had / currently have some of these guiatrs, but with me in Cornwall I have my Ukulele and Bass, with another electric guitar I got off a friend - but needs some fixing up. At one point I had a trumpet and even though when I sell things I sell them to friends so that I can still see / play them I regret selling it and wish I'd kept at it. This is another mission i'm setting myself..  to learn some new instruments < Trumpet/Trombone/Violin/Double Bass/Piano ect ect)   and who knows, maybe one day i'll pluck up the courage to be in a band,  or even sing in front of people finally.  :)

NOM NOM NOM - kela's CAKES

My first blog ..... shall be about my cakes. Ive recently taken up a new love for baking. I've watched my mum and gran most of my life and have just been intrigued by the whole thing, but for me I was just more interested in eating the mix. After making my sisters 20th birthday cake last year, Ive made a fair few for friends and family since then ... and been quite surprised regarding end results, yet I have had some disasters along the way...   what can i say though. Im not a pro. Check some of these bad boys out.  

Tasha's 20th Pink Leopard Print Birthday cake :)

My nephews 1st Birthday Cake - Bananas in Pyjamas 2 tier, Choc and Vanilla.

A friends birthday 21st b/day cake with fondandt icing daisy topping :)

Jonathon Teagues B/D cake :) with fondant ant ... ANT BOY

 

Debbies Kit Kat and Smartie sweet birthday delight :)

A welsh visit to my dad - afternoon desert Chocolate and Raspberry nom nom nom :)

 With these being the first cakes ive made - my aim is to just make and experiment with lots of different styles and flavours. Other than these I've attempted Vanilla sponge cupcakes, Double chocolate chip cupcakes and Lemon and Poppy Seed cupcakes, and am not afraid to admit, they tasted like shit, so definatley need some work for improvement. I think i may look at going on to do a bakery course .. or a sugarcraft course and look into the possibilty of this as a career.